imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Im part way to drunk.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
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