I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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