Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
