I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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