I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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