I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
