in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
