That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
