I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
