you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
