so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
