I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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