Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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