My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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