Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
And then he peed in my hair
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