You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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