one might say we're banned from that church
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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