I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
sarcasm needs its own font
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
