She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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