sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
my vag is so smooth its legendary
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
