Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Did you pee in the oven last night??
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
