Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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