It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
