just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
