she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
