had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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