There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Sober January is a disaster.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
