We're like a lot better than the average bears
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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