I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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