Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
