rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
