It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
