my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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