Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
