watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
