pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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