So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
