I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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