I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
