I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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