Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
