I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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