I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
