If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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