god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
