so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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