I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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