she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
