Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
