I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
