My liver just broke up with me...
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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